Scar tissue

For the last 5 years I have taught myself to survive with a hole in my heart. It's painful but fully possibly. Watching a person pass away, especially when it's your child, changes you. And not always for the good. But just less than 2 weeks ago my heart began to repair itself. My youngest son was welcomed into our world and mine began to change. I have become more complete. The joy of everyday has found me again. The lack of sleep has become worth it. Even the small sliver of bed he leaves me with feels like more than enough when I look into his eyes. I will forever have a scar where the hole once was. My son will never be forgotten. His strength and will to survive taught me more is his 1 month than the time I've had on Earth. I am blessed I was chosen to be that little boys mom. But right now, this day, this moment given to me, has completed me. How lucky can I get beyond this? Only time will tell and I can't wait to find out now.

I WILL smack your hand!

They say life moves fast. Sure, I believe it. I see it in the faces of my boys everyday. BUT...if you're pregnant you just watched slugs surpass you in the express lane and leave smoke in your face. The painstaking weeks between appts. The only 4 more weeks you repeat to everyone who not only says "wow, you're big" but also tries to touch your protruding belly. I've never been a toucher. Doing or accepting, so I dont get it. I would never walk up to a non-pregnant person and start rubbing so why now at a persons most uncomfortable stage would you (most likely a complete stranger) think this is the time to become personal friends?! But as said yes, only 4 more weeks! SO you'd think it's over soon right? WRONG! This STILL leaves you with the touchers. It all begins with hospital staff. Of course their hands (freezing cold usually) are always welcome in the throws of labor but once that baby becomes his own person can we focus on I'm not the practice dummy in med school! There's always a hand in or on something :/ And God help the "oh I just love babies" touchers everywhere you go once you decide to venture out in the real world. I don't know where your hands have been! For all I know you ARE that person at the red light who is knuckle deep in their nose. (seriously do those people think that their glass isn't see through) Stop it! I do believe in the "everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten" rules it states...KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF! Now please excuse me while I stock up on Purell.

Happy Fathers Day

We were only able to call my husband to send him this wish because he's out digging fire breaks on Fort Huachuca to help protect others in an entirely new way. Currently the closest fire to us has reached 21,000 acres and is only 25% contained. It's scary on too many levels to even come close to explaining. My home luckily is in no danger from this fire but many friends are. We all have been on pins and needles waiting to hear they need to leave their homes. And with wind gusts reaching 50mph today this may be coming soon. The last 2 days we have celebrated the Dad in our life due to the fact we had no clue on if he'd be around the next. This is true right now. Maybe a nice dinner out depending on when he gets here. Hey I deserve a break too! Although fighting the other moms who had the same exact idea isn't my idea of peaceful. On Mothers Day my husband sprang for fast food. Hear the sarcasm?! While he did pick up the kitchen from the mac and cheese he made for the kids it took me at least a good week to find where he put things away. Seems to me everyday is Fathers Day around here. I dont mean that in a mean way at all. But I know for sure that when I run out of shaving cream and leave the empty bottle on the seat in the shower I'm the only one who will not only throw it away but run to the store to buy more. I love the man to death. He leaves me I love you post it notes all around in hidden places for me to find through out the day. But damn it by all means I'm taking this day too! Outback here we come!

Enjoy life!

Life really is not that long. Although on summer days when your children are screaming at one another it sure feels like it will go on forever. I try my hardest to educate my boys that the world is bigger than them. There are issues that not even I can understand over my 30 years on the Earth. But one thing I know without a doubt will happen is we will all pass away. Some sooner than others, and some in more frightening ways. Sadly it may be taken by our own hands or the recklessness of another. But one way or another at one point in time we will no longer walk this land. So to that I say...get out of the house! Buy that stupid item you claim to have always wanted. Take a trip to Hawaii to learn to surf where the best play. Visit the Rockies and toss a few snowballs around. Jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Where ever, what ever, that thing is you want to do, DO IT! You only get one shot at this life. Why go out with regret? Yes, I understand they say save your money. Remember those who you will leave behind. Blah blah. I personally would rather have a life time of memories than a bigger bank account due to someones passing. That is my inheritance. I remember camping with my family as a child. Being co-pilot to my Dad as we flew over the Cascades. And simple lunch dates with my Mom. Moments that fill my heart. Spend the money to visit someone you love. Watch your grandkids grow up. Meet with girlfriends for breakfast once a week. LIVE life! Leave a memory behind.

Blood may be thick but waters run deep

We've all heard the saying. Blood is thicker than water. But why exactly are we supposed to follow it? I have had some very nasty words for family members. More so than I have had for friends. I have had friends who have stood tall at my side during heart wrenching times when family has turned away. As an Army wife I have created bonds that many will never understand. When you go through the tough times a military wife can it's bound to happen. The "family" I created for myself does not have a single drop of blood in common. My best friend, who really should be called my sister, has been by my side for nearly 23 years. Through every stupid, sad, happy moment of my life. Besides my parents I can't say that about blood relatives. Friends know the real me. Family know who I was when I was 6. They dont make you who you are. YOU make you who you are. The adventures you take. The people you gather in your heart along the way. Not the people you are told you have to respect and love because they are so and so son. When my son passed away my friends were the one to watch my other children. He had more friends at his memorial then family. They were too busy to be there. Yes, actual words. I can not and will accept people who do drugs, drink way too much, and have a lack of heart for others to be my or my childrens legacy. The water that runs around me is filled with people who hold their heads high even when the chips are down. People who want to teach their children morals and manners. They have an understanding that life is not always fair but you make of it what you can. I love them for who they are because they love me for who I am. Now I can't forget the people who made me this way. Namely my Mother. Oh trust me I've done wrong in my life and I have never turned my back on someone just based on the fact they have. We all make mistakes. It's the constant lack of compassion that did it for me. But my Mom taught me to be strong and stand up for who I am and what I believe in. I am proud to be her daughter and live with the morals I have due to her. My temper may also be a reflection but it makes me stronger in my ways. Thank you to those who are my "family". You are a hodge podge of nuts, peace, fury, and laughter. Beautiful in your own way and graceful through lifes ups and downs. You help form my world and I am lucky to have you :)

Explaining the world

There is a rule in my house. The boys can watch TV while eating breakfast but it must be the news. So yesterday morning they learned of Osama Bin Ladens death. With tears rolling down my face (from remembering the pain he caused the USA) I explained to them 9/11 and the sickness that is bin Laden and the people who choose to follow his beliefs. Neither of them were born yet and I, just the same as every American, remember where I was and what I was doing at that moment. My husband who was, and still is, in the Army was the first thought in my mind and heart. My kids have never known the world without the hatred of bin Laden. Although I try not to rejoice that he was killed, I am pleased that the head of the snake was chopped off. All over facebook I am seeing people talk about how sick it is we find pleasure in the murder of this man. I can only justify their reaction by believing they don't have a loved one who has deployed. Or worse yet died because of him. My husband has spent years away from his children due to him and his followers actions. We've watched him say goodbye not knowing if he was coming home. It's painful and strikes a fear in your heart that can not be explained. By no means is the war over. And wont be for some time to come. Another man full of hate for America will take over. Another man will die at a military mans hand. And we once again will rejoice. I do not chastise you for your belief that an eye for an eye is no way to live. So do not bad mouth my husband and his fellow members of the Armed Forces for protecting you! These men and women are homegrown heroes. And you should be honored they care about you without knowing who you are.

Babies: past and present

Sorry for the LONG break. Sometimes we need them. Especially someone as opinionated as I. But lets move on from that and catch you up :) Today marks a somber day for my family. 5 years ago our youngest son passed away from complications of a heart defect. He was 1 month old and the light and joy we needed. Even in his passing he gives us strength to go through every day with our heads held high. Dont get me wrong the pain was, is, and will continue to be unbearable at times. But I would rather suffer this pain then have a single person I care about have a moment of it. I am okay with this cross to bear for that reason. Today also marks a joyous moment. I am 18 weeks pregnant. This baby has given us a MAJOR scare already. And with the hopes it's a girl the drama only seems fitting. Life always keeps us on our toes. Our children even more so. They drive me up a wall, but they are the reason I stay grounded. My oldest and his personality that can only be compared to mine and his love of Lego building. Oh, how his mind works! The current youngest at home and his life is grand thought process. Constant laughs with that one. Our son who passed and his strength and will to fight. We all could learn lesson from his gentle soul. Then there is our soon to be next. May he/she find happiness in this crazy world. I know they will only bring more to mine :)